TALK TO A STRANGER EVERY DAY
Hey there, I’m Tilen Tomazin and this is Talk to a Stranger Every Day.
Where I teach you the nr. 1 skill that will radically change your life like no other.
You know that 90% of people don’t or can’t do it.
But this skill will help you find the best job, love, friends, and business.
Come with me, let’s start talking and have the best life possible.
RULES OVERVIEW
- Drop the mask, be yourself & have fun
- Energy & Emotions are more than Words
- Friends are all around
- 3 Seconds to do it
- Ask, Listen actively & Compliment
- Storytelling not Facts
- Make it a Habit (to lose fear of rejection)
- Smile can melt Iceberg
- Transition to contact
- Crazy and Playful (memorable & unique)
- Comment the situation at hand
1. Drop the mask, be yourself & have fun
Look, you can act and pretend to be someone you’re not, but that is noticeable. Maybe not after 3 minutes, but definitely later on. And let me ask you a question: do you like people that are fake? Of course not. So don’t be one. Drop the mask, be yourself. Besides, without going into esoterics, it is a fact that when you are your true self, you have direct access to your emotional and spiritual depth, wisdom and extraordinary uniqueness, that makes you incredible and one of a kind. And last thing – have fun. We adults like to organize stuff and put everything on schedules. Don’t let that happen. Forget about the higher motive, just enjoy yourself and have fun in talking to strangers.
2. Energy & Emotions are more than Words
We are way too rational. We are so stuck in our rational brain, that we forgot that it is not the words, but energy that conveys messages and builds connection between people. Of course you don’t want to be saying stupid shit. People’s bullshit detector will detect that. But relax – because if the energy is right, the right words will come out of your mouth automatically. All great actors and good salesmen know this. Surely you know that 90% of communication is energy, and only 10% is words. Out of that 90%, approximately 55% is body language and the remaining 35% is tonality. Besides, think about your own experiences. Think for a moment of a situation, when you were socializing with people and feeling really good. Think about that moment. Do you recall any problems with finding the right words? I guess your answer is reassuring: hell no. When the energy is right, right words follow.
Also very important point here, or elsewhere: comment the situation at hand. That is the best starter.
3. Friends are all around
In life almost everything is about your perspective. Mostly, every situation you are in can be seen from different points of view. Even bad stuff that happens can be seen in positive light. It’s a fact of life – where some people see obstacles, others see opportunities. You can call it karma. Or vibration. Or reciprocity. But no matter the naming, it is clear. Your outlook determines your actions. So, in order to become a master communicator, you have to see people as friends. Yea, I’m talking about that stranger in a supermarket, or that new slightly funny-looking neighbor that just moved in. You have to force yourself to see them as friends, in order to become friends with them. There is no way around it. Forget about the “stranger danger” mentality you have been taught as a kid. It’s a lie. I know, and you intuitively know that a very large majority of people are nice and pleasant human beings. Therefore, start with trust, and act consequentially, if they break your trust. Not the other way around. Embrace a positive outlook. Friends are all around you.
4. 3 Seconds to do it
The greatest and most powerful object in the universe – your brain – also behaves as a bad guy. A bad bad guy that wants to hold you back and limit your short experience on this great planet. Look, we know we have come a long way in our evolution as a species from plains of Africa to this concrete jungle that we call civilization. And obstacles that we faced back then, when our brain evolved, were like night and day different, to the ones facing now. Back then life was much more instinctive. If you saw a snake, you jumped, and if there was a lion, you ran. And only after we escaped the danger, came time for contemplation, time for thinking. But beware. What saved us in a jungle, is now beating us. There are only very few true life-threatening dangers in our modern world. But our brain still works in the same old way. Let me be more precise what do I mean by that. Remember a moment in your life, if you are anything like me, there are a million of them, when you saw a boy or girl and you wanted to have a chat with him or her. And at first you felt this kick of joy, an impulse to do it. But you hesitated to act, and like this (finger snap), your brain started to list excuse after excuse why not to do it. I am not funny enough, I’m not handsome enough, I’ll make fool of myself, and on and on. The fear kicked in. Your brain is really a master at finding all the reasons why not to approach a person. So the lesson is the following: you can’t change your brain, but you can hack its own software. Your brain is giving you a time window of 5 seconds to act, before it goes to fear mode. And since it is always good to have some safety margin, and honestly because it sounds better – I call it a 3 seconds to do it rule. When you feel like talking to a stranger, do it in 3.
5. Ask, Listen & Compliment
Do you know that the world actually revolves around me. Not being egocentric or anything, it’s just a fact. I truly think, no, actually I am deeply convinced, that I am the center of the universe. There is no comparison to my life and my life’s experiences. Yea, yea, we all have this feeling. The only difference is that some people hold it for themselves, and some people say it out loudly. Like Louis the 14th: The state, that is me! Ok, all nice and dandy, but how can we establish any meaningful connection with people if we are stuck in our own heads. Simply by stepping down from a pedestal. We have to become actively aware of the fact that everyone feels like the center of the universe. Everyone knows only his or her life experience. So let’s start asking questions, actively listening and complimenting people around us. Let them step on the pedestal. And because of reciprocity, neurological structure of our brain, they will mirror the same back to us. And one more thing – what does active listening really look like? Does it mean to hear the words. No! It means change. Let us allow ourselves to be changed by the energy and ideas that our talking partner is sharing with us. Because change should be the result of a good communication. Otherwise it is just a vibration of the air.
6. Storytelling not Facts
Some people are so boring, I hear you say. But why is that so? Is it their mundane tone, dull body language, lack of ideas, or something else? While all of those can play a role, I believe it’s something else above all. It is their poor storytelling ability. Let’s go back in time. Video is around for decades, radio for a little more, and even books and written information are no older than a few hundred years. But our species had been roaming around and communicating with each other for hundreds of millennia. And so our brain evolved the ability to pass ideas by talking. To be more precise, by telling stories. Think about your childhood, your parents told you numerous stories about what is good and what is wrong, what to do and what not to do. And all of it was in a form of a story. I’m pretty sure they weren’t just listing facts and giving you to-do and not-to-do lists as the ones you get on a table when you start your new job. Even old religions, like Greek mythology, had many Gods and each of them told his own story. Each came with a message. Sometimes hidden, sometimes completely straightforward. But somewhere along the process of growing up we were taught to think rational, be effective and focus on the information. The idea of telling a creative story became more and more distant. By that process, which definitely brought us a lot of value, we lost the ability to tell a great story. And since our brain isn’t primarily a machine that stores facts, it is necessary for us to once again become great storytellers. Let’s fully use our default brain architecture that loves stories above all.
7. Make it a Habit (to lose fear of rejection)
As with all things in life, practice makes perfect. And the skill of communicating with a stranger is no exception. But I do want to point out an important distinction. We often say that we need to do something over and over again to lose fear. Let’s say – if you approach 100 strangers, you will lose fear of rejection. I don’t believe that to be completely true, since some fear will always be involved, even though reduced. It is more about acting in spite of fear. That is what a fearless mentality is all about. When you make talking to a stranger an everyday habit, you will become much more inclined to act despite the fear. The second question is, how long does it take to form a new habit? How quickly will talking to strangers become your new norm? Studies about habit forming suggest it will take anywhere between 1 and 3 months. But personally I see this ability as a muscle. If you train it constantly, it will grow, but if you take a long break, you could lose a part of it. Not to focus only on fears and habits, it’s important to see the big picture. The why question. Why did you start talking to strangers in the first place? You have to constantly remind yourself of many positive aspects that are changing your life for the better.
8. Smile can melt Iceberg
TBC… 🙂
